Today, i found myself distraught, confused, panicky, maybe a little hormonal. Almost to the point of what we have often referred to in medical school as BRP or brief reactive psychosis. I cannot put a grasp on it but I cannot seem to bring myself to waking up and living another day.
Yes. Today I woke up wanting to sleep eternally. Something was holding me back, preventing me from living a life, as if chains were wrapped around my neck, strangling me to death. My head hurts so much not knowing what to do... and so, I've gone auto-pilot just to survive.
I went to the hospital to make rounds- in a pair of pant-shorts and black high heels, covered by my smock gown, appearing as if nothing is wrong, when in fact, my mind is not in the same room as I am. still, i did my job-- in auto-pilot that is. did what was required of me, nothing more but nothing less.
however, in the process of my absent-mindedness, in between walking up and down the stairs and texting and calling using any of my 2 cellphones, i happened to have dropped both in the process, causing one to simply reboot. this especially added to the stress i was feeling because i cannot simply fix it or i am just not in the proper mind to know what to do...
and so i went home. hooked it to my laptop and restored it to initial settings. for the next 2 hours, in front of the TV, i found my surroundings suddenly silent.
amidst the hustle and bustle of the city life, the noise of the hospital, the loudness of the paging system and the calls, my mind seemed to have been overwhelmed by the insanity of the world i chose to pursue. and unfortunately, i wasn't able to handle it.
but for that 2 hours, of laying back, of rebooting, of silence, i got to re-arrange my thoughts and, like my phone, re-boot my mind. re-focus on what i came to do. revert back to my goals and live towards a vision i've always imagined.
and so, i find myself thankful, being released from such chaos. for that few hours, i found myself at peace
18 may 2013
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