once again

The worst part of any story, is for it to never have an ending.

Sometimes i just feel that life goes around in circles, when you feel you have come out of a sink hole, here comes another stupid act that drives you back in. There's really no other word for it except stupidity.

I want to be optimistic about life. But it gets depressing eventually to have things turn out not the way you planned. You find little joys in your day that makes you smile, and treasure it hoping for more.  But at the back of your mind, there's this nagging feeling that it will be a fleeting event. You try to hold on to whatever little you have, but like water in your hands, it just drifts away.

It gets tiring that i resorted to having short term, single goals. Hoping that other aspects of life will serendipitously fall into place.

I pray for it every day. And i still pray for it still.

But i am tired...

to see the sun shining

It was a bad day. More like a murky day. Surrounded by negative energy that people around me can also feel the tension.

I try to shrug it off and go about my business. But sometimes it just gets to you that your patience is tested way more than the length of patience you have set for yourself. And it came to a point that i had an outburst. It was a silent outburst though.

i was never confrontational at the onset. But if i cannot take it, i can talk upfront. I'm not sure if that is good or bad. For this instance, with the help of friends, i was able to show some restraint. I just had to internalize that this all boils down to professional jealousy.

I came home. And snuggled under my warm sheets. I had more friends encouraging me, boosting my self esteem. And so i slept soundly.

I woke up the next morning. It was rainy, dark. But i had a glow of just minding my own business. And it shows! A radiance from within. A sunshine amidst the storm.

Let jealousy be. I do not care.

angel

I received a viber message last December. It was an unknown number.

And when i asked who it was, it was you.

It was not a good time for me. And i guess you felt my indifference. And true to your form, i never heard from you again.

But at the time when i was most distraught, when i didn't know what to do... It was like a twist of fate, that you made your presence felt at the moment when i most needed someone to confide with.

It was something else. It was like you brought back the past, when we had each other, when i felt so safe and comfortable with you.

And i let go. I gave in to you.

After 8 years of parting ways, i never expected to have any connection with you.

I never thought i'll be able to forgive you.

I am not a forgiving person. I end up forgetting the whole person to non-existence.

But you didn't allow that to happen.

Maybe, it is a sign...

Maybe, the world is telling us,

we will forever be tied...

15 february 2014

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The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.

Steve Maraboli

view from afar

I first saw you a year ago. You were silent, shy. You barely smiled. And as much as i tried to catch your attention, you never responded. And so i conceded. But i know i find myself still giving you a second look every time you pass by.

Mystery and fate it may seem, when at my lowest times, i find you staring at me and smiling. Eventually, talking to each other. Ranting. Telling and listening to stories. Laughing a lot over dinner. You were a breath a fresh air, which i so badly needed at the time when i was choking.

You kept me afloat, without you knowing it. You saved me from drowning in my misery. And i will forever be grateful for you being my strength.

And now, as i try to stand on my own, i still see you. But this time, i watch from afar. Maybe, in my silence, you will also give me a second look.

7 february 2014

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There is an innocence in admiration: it occurs in one who has not yet realized that they might one day be admired.

Friedrich Nietzsche

Bitter-bitter-an

Isang kabaliwan ang maging masaya.

Sino nagsabi na dapat ang tao maging masaya? Kalokohan yan.

Walang karapatan ang tao maging masaya. Dahil kahit gaano ka kasaya, kahit sa tingin mo ay nasa langit ka na sa sobrang saya mo, maghintay ka, mawawala lang yan ng parang bula.

Yun nga mas mahirap e. Kung mas mataas ang inabot ng kasiyahan mo, asahan mo, mas masakit ang lagapak mo sa lupa. Mas supalpal sa mukha mo ang katangahan na ginawa mo. At mas mararamdaman mo ang sakit ng kalungkutan, sa sobrang taas ng kasiyahang inabot mo.

Proportional yan e. Your happiness is directly proportional to your sadness once you reverse the equation. Di pa ma-disprove ang batas na yan. So an increase in happiness, means an increase in sadness. Simple lang diba?

Alalahanin mo na lang ang panahon na sobrang saya mo dahil sa isang regalong nakuha mo nung bata ka. Laruan na paka-asam-asam mo. Aba! Kung laruin mo araw-araw ay parang walang bukas. Kasama mo pa matulog. At sa bawat paghimbing mo, alam mo na kuntento ka na. Pero hindi! Isang araw, nakita mo na lang nasira ito, o nadungisan, o natastas. Basta, biglang nawalan ito ng silbi. Iyak mo na lang nun diba? Kaunting dabog sa nanay. Pagmamakaawa na bilhan ka uli. Pero dahil kasalanan mo, wala na tong kapalit. Kahit ilang luha pa ang iiyak mo, tapos na. Wala na. Move on girl!

At yun nga. Wala kang magawa kundi pilitin humanap ng bagong kasiyahan. Tiisin ang walang laruan. Matuto ka makuntento kung anong meron ka.

Bata ka pa nun. E ngayong malaki ka na? Ano na lang ang lungkot mo? Times 5 pa ang hirap! Dahil mas complicated na ang buhay. Hindi lang laro. Hindi lang dahil sa laruan. Ang daming factors na pampagulo pa lalo, at pampahirap.

Ano na lang ang saya mo na natanggap ka sa una mong trabaho diba? Matapos ang ilang panahon, di mo na rin makaya  dahil ang boss mo ay sobra kung tratuhin ka na halos nawalan ka na ng respeto sa sarili mo. Gusto mong umalis pero naduduwag ka. Ay girl! make up your mind! Stay or go! Sadness or sadness!

Ang saya mo nung na-promote ka. Malaki na sweldo mo. Permanente ka na. Pero goodness! Naging bahay nman na ang opisina mo. Kulang na lang ay pati maligo gawin mo na sa opisina... O baka nagawa mo na? Sige. Dyan ka na! Yan na life mo!

Ang saya mo sa bagong kotse mo, kaso tumaas ang gasulina o nagasgasan ito o baka nabangga at ang hassle na lang ng police report at insurance. Aba! Sa maynila ka nag-drive e. Pareho kayong may kasalanan!

Ang saya mo nung bago kayo ng boyfriend mo. Aba! Honeymoon stage kaya. Hanggang ayan, nawawala na. Di mo na alam kung ano nangyayari. Biglang labasan na ang kaliwa't kanang issues at dahilan na di mo alam kung san nanggaling na ang gusto mo lang isigaw ay "kasalanan ko ba yun? E di pa nga kita kilala nung panahon na yun e!". Susme! Simple lang dapat ito!

Gusto mo sumigaw dahil ang saya mo. 

Gusto mag-mura dahil sobrang lungkot mo. 

Gusto mo umiyak sa saya. 

Gusto mo humagulgol dahil sa lungkot

Di maalis ang ngiti mo sa sobrang kasiyahan.

Sa loob-loob mo, pinagtatawanan mo ang sarili mo dahil inulit mo na nman ang mali mo kaya malungkot ka.

Goodness!!! Ano ba naman ito? San ka na lang lulugar?

O di ba? Kabaliwan ang maging masaya?

4 pebrero 2014

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“Kung nagmahal ka ng taong di dapat at nasaktan ka, wag mong sisihin ang puso mo. Tumitibok lang yan para mag-supply ng dugo sa katawan mo. Ngayon, kung magaling ka sa anatomy at ang sisisihin mo naman ay ang hypothalamus mo na kumokontrol ng emotions mo, mali ka pa rin! Bakit? Utang na loob! Wag mong isisi sa body organs mo ang mga sama ng loob mo sa buhay! Tandaan mo: magiging masaya ka lang kung matututo kang tanggapin na hindi ang puso, utak, atay o bituka mo ang may kasalanan sa lahat ng nangyari sayo, kundi IKAW mismo!”  - Bob Ong

week 3: sustain

letting go

less messages. less conversations. For fear of hurting or being hurt

to immerse yourself with work just to keep the mind occupied

to push yourself to stand alone

to will yourself to move on without anyone's help

to start living again

and maybe in time

be able to walk alone

week 3: sustain

4 february 2014

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I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself.

Charlotte Brontë

Week 1: survive

prayers and mass

friends near and far

a moral compass

a down's syndrome patient asking for prayers

a girl crying in the chapel while praying

a reflex glance at black cars

avoiding eye contact

daily morning greetings

nightly conversations to smile and laugh

a sparkle in the eyes

maybe, i can live another week

week 1: survive

22 january 2014

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But in the end one needs more courage to live than to kill himself.

Albert Camus

prayers for strangers

I was in the adoration chapel, praying for God's mercy, tears welling up in my eyes. I committed to pray the rosary especially when i feel like crying. At least this way, my eyes and lips get to do something worthwhile. After the sign of the cross, i stood up, went to get my shoes, then i heard a woman's voice calling "Miss, miss". A reflex to such impersonal recognition, i looked at her. She was cradling her son, who had Down's syndrome. "Yes po?", i politely asked her, half expecting her to ask for alms. "Miss, makiusap lang po ako. Ipag-pray nyo naman po ang anak ko na sana matanggap sya sa Down's syndrome society. Marami po kasing benefits dun." That took a while to register until i told her, "opo ma'am. Isasama ko po sya sa dasal ko parati". "Salamat po" was her joyful reply.

I was still processing what happened. And what could that have meant at this time of my life. I went to hear mass after. At the end of the mass, i sat down for a while. Collecting my thoughts, trying to control my own sorrows, when i heard someone sniffling. I looked to my left and kneeling on the next row of pews was a girl, crying and praying. I have seen and been through such depression, and i know how one can be left hopeless enough to succumb to crying while praying. I can feel her heart's pain as she wipes down every tear that falls on her cheek. I am not sure if i should approach her or leave her in her solitude. Helpless as she is, i knelt down and prayed to God to have mercy on her and to ease her pain.

It's been more than a week and i have been praying for God to have mercy on me and to show me miracles. But each time i do, i tend to believe that  these two strangers are my miracles. I pray for them daily and may God show them His mercy.

22 january 2014

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Miracles are a retelling in small letters of the very same story which is written across the whole world in letters too large for some of us to see.

---C.S. Lewis

insanity in a day

days of tears and sadness, when as if the world has left me with nothing

then comes a ray of sunshine, simple meetings, simple messages, that unexpectedly made me smile

as my head lingers above the clouds, a vision pulls me back to reality, reminding me that my grief has not ended

attempts to break away from the harshness of pain blurs my mind to the little joys that surround me

until i hear that beep, asking me, and giving me once again that funny flutter of butterflies in my stomach

is it too soon? is it too fast?

is it time to go through this again?

i do not know.

swirling in my head are the ups and downs of emotions that is driving me insane

do i have to choose now?

16 january 2014

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